gratuitous ass shot

No particular reason. Do we need a reason to celibrate the cute litte butt? I think not.

my little pink butt

I once dated a Goth chick. I know, I know, look, I was looking for some rebound girl, okay? Yes, if you think goth is the exact opposite of me, you are correct, but hat girl could scratch a back like no other. She had these long fingernails she loved to paint some dark color and when you told her to scratch harder she had no qualms about leaving marks on your back. One time there was blood.

Which I can totally appreciate right now, because I can’t get the cat to walk across my back, and that stupid body part itches. Maybe if I roll around in some tuna.

One day Goth Girl just couldn’t take my pink any more. She threatened to purge my closet of pink. I think the conversation went like this:

“How can such a twisted little perverted fuckette like pink?”

“That’s part of what I’m selling, baby!”

“How about purple? Or red? Or fuck, white.”

“I’m in a pink phase. You know I don’t give a shit what other people think.”

“What about what I think?”

“I care about that. Okay, fine. I will tone down the pink so your dykie friends don’t make fun of you.”

So the next time I asked her to come over, I wore this:

She never complained about pink again.

how easy is the waitress

Answer: Easy.

Frank: Annette…

Annette: Fuck off, Frank.

Frank: I haven’t even asked you yet!

Annette: I saw Miranda bail and you’re playing hostess. She go off to the abortion clinic to purge your brat out of her womb?

Frank: Goddamn Annette, quit being such a bitch. Jesus Christ. Look, just push your lunch off an hour. Things are going to hell, I need to be in back.

Annette: No! And don’t even think of bribing me with food again. I’ve had to add a mile to my beach walk since working here!

Frank: What? You don’t weigh anything, you need fattening up. Grow some boob.

Annette: Did you just tell a woman she had small boobs and needed to get fat? WTF Frank?

Frank: I wanted your opinion on a new burger, anyway. Want to hear about it?

Annette: …

Frank: You’d like it. It has oysters.

Annette: We already have an oyster burger! And no.

Frank: No, you don’t understand. This is a burger. An Angus beef burger. With fried oysters on top. Not an open-faced burger either, that sucker is between two garlic-onion buns.

Annette: …

Frank: …

Annette: …

Frank: Well?

Annette: I think I just had an orgasm.

Frank: Here’s the waiting list.

that little girl is me

Sometimes when I walk along the beach in the summer on my days off, I run into families with children who never had seen the ocean before. Most of the time they laugh and clap hands, excited by the awesomeness of the Pacific.

One time, I saw a little girl, and she was crying, her eyes big and round, her parents preoccupied with the other children. The sea was too much for her. It was too much. She felt my sea, felt it all the way to her core, it washed over her girlness as if it was never there. It was frightening and powerful, consuming and raw.

It took her virginity and with each crash of the surf, a little bit of the girl was washed away, leaving behind only femininity untapped.

She was surrounded by love yet the ocean for a brief time took that away from her, connected her to the earth, and drove a wedge of loneliness in her that she well never be able to remove.

That little girl is me, and sometimes at night I wonder where she is, but I know she’ll be back. The ocean always brings those girls back. It is her curse. It is her blood.

After all, you never forget your first lover.

SQUEEEEEEE!

I am happy to SQUEEEEE that I will SQUEEEEE be published SQUEEEEEE in the upcoming BOUNCE BOUNCE anthology Rigor Amortis.

Yes, I sold my very first story.

Zombie porn.

SQUEEEEEE!

yeah, pretty much

ps. will this send while I am at work? Let’s find out!

aiiiiieeeeee! oh! oh! oh!